For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”