For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?