For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Miscakes
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals