For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it