Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

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@i_wasnt_looking

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

@AnniemuMary

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

@whatsJo

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@AmishPornStar1

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

@tat2skatermom

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

@junejuly12

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

@Rollmaninoz

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

@HrBry

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

Or a random funny tweet