AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Netflix My bladder
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