For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
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one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
it’s the silliest best thing
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…