For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I just tested negative for patience.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.