For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
What if the weather talks about us?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?