For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
You learn something every day
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”