For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
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She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.