For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars