for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
This why you should mind your business
Have kids, they said
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.