@backupbear
@TrueTorontoGirl Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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@TrueTorontoGirl 
@faizziy There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
@marinhubka You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
@1Happytwit My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
@adamgreattweet i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
@daemonic3 Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
@ceejoyner PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
@CornOnTheGoblin Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
@AngieDavisHaha For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
@notacroc DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*