For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?