Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?