For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo