For cardio I live beyond my means.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY