For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.