For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’