@slimmy_shady

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

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@SnarkyMommy78

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

@broke_duh

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

@bobvulfov

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

@tchrquotes

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

@JohnFugelsang

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

@Ivsy01

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

@momjeansplease

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

@bewgtweets

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship