For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Name this drama.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.