For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
#SaturdayBears
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married