For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death