For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that