For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Meowchelangelo
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
This will never not be funny to me.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.