For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Our lord and savoury.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.