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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
