Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.