For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.