For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
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Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’d hang this in my house.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Baller is short for ballerina
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Not all heroes wear capes.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine