For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
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we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
this is the best day of my life
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”