For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?