For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
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me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.