For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.


Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.


So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.


Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.


Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity


Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.


I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?


[first day in hell]


Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?


I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.


I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”