@AnniemuMary Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
@Tbone7219 For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
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@AnniemuMary 
@ImAlexOliver Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
@TravLeBlanc So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
@WilliamAder Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
@Sal_Stevens Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
@littlegiinge Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
@FeverFlave I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
@ChicksRule [first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
@junejuly12 I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
@E_lok44 I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”