@Tbone7219

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

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@AnniemuMary

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

@ImAlexOliver

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

@Sal_Stevens

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

@littlegiinge

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

@FeverFlave

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

@ChicksRule

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

@junejuly12

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

@E_lok44

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”