For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.