For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

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Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer


The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.


Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.


ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):


If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.


Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex


Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.


Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?


It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.


Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming