For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
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I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
every. time.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.