Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

mmm onion ringos

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”