For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?