For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.