@woodmuffin

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

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@PeachCoffin

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

@HatfieldAnne

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

@junejuly12

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

@OneFunnyMummy

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

@dixinormus10

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

@TravLeBlanc

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

@SCbchbum

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.