“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.