@woodmuffin

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

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@better_off_dad2

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

@SortaBad

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

@AbbieEvansXO

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

@TheToddWilliams

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

@Imsohoppy

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

@EndhooS

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

@ericsshadow

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

@scriptdave

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.