“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you


You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.


Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.


I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.


Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.


Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.


My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.


My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.