@PeachCoffin I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
@woodmuffin “For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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@PeachCoffin 
@HatfieldAnne You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
@junejuly12 Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
@OneFunnyMummy I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
@dixinormus10 Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
@TrueTorontoGirl Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
@CrapLocalNews Breaking news:
@awkwardphilippe YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
@TravLeBlanc My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
@SCbchbum My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.