For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
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My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
These 3D printers are insane!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.