For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.