For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
You Might Also Like
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.