For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
No, YOUR illiterate.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.