For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.