For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.