For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
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*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays