FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.