FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.


They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.


You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.


I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.


Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.


Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done


Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5


me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers


I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due