FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”