For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.