For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history