For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”