For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
This makes total sense…
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*