For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
A short story about romance.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?