For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
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I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I have never related to anyone more.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
i was baptized in a car wash
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch