For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
You Might Also Like
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.